Tuesday, April 28, 2009

There has to be a better word than "STRESS"

to describe what I am feeling. Overload? Mania? Running in place? You get the idea. I feel this huge sense of neglect and total chaos in my life right now. And it's hard to know what to do to change that.

You ever feel like you are neglecting your kids? It is a feeling I hate most of all. Last night after I blew up at my husband and son (we'll get to that later) I was drained. Just drained. And it had been a nice time before yesterday afternoon. Let me back up.

Work was really crazy last week...trying to get ready for the Summit is always challenging. By the end of the week I was FRIED! Saturday morning I had to squeeze in a couple of hours at the store to cover until Vanna could arrive. And I was in danger of missing Andrew's opening day of baseball. I walked out the door as soon as Vanna got there and made it to baseball on time. But I had had enough. I decided last minute to take the family and drive to Philly for the weekend, right after Andrew's game. And we had a great time.

Then comes Monday. Andrew is off to school, Curtis & I off to work. I came home. They came home. We went out, came back. My house was neglected...time to start cleaning. To my surprise...I was the only one doing anything. That's when I blew up. And we all know how that goes...

So, after I cool down, they start pitching in...you know the routine. Andrew & I are upstairs in his room and I see the puppet he made in school. I ask him how come he didn't show it to me when I asked him what he did. He tells me that he thought I wouldn't be interested in it...he says that I am always working. My heart broke. And the guilt flooded over me.

My nerves are raw, my head pounds, my heart aches. I have let things and people get in my way of being there for my son when he needs me...even if it is just to show me things he made in school, or tell me about his day or about the book he is reading. All I can say is I've had enough. And changes are on the way...